Let laughter cure all of your ailments with these hilarious Steven Wright quotes.
Steven Wright has been a staple on the comedy scene since the 80s, and his hilarious one-liners and incredibly witty – dead-pan delivery never fails to pull the giggles from your belly.
What makes Steven Wright one-of-a-kind?
In fact, Steven Wright is so ubiquitous on the comedy scene, he was named one of Rolling Stone’s 50 Greatest Stand-Up Comics and has been nominated for Grammy awards due to his incredible work.
Throughout his illustrious career, Steven Wright quotes have become some of the most-quoted comedy material of all time – and today, we’ve collected a great assortment of clever quotes from the genius mind of this hilarious man to bust your sides open today.
If you need some relief from the chaos and insanity that is the real world, enjoy these Steven Wright quotes and let laughter cure all of your ailments.
Don’t forget to also check out our list of witty quotes and sayings that will sharpen your cleverness.
Steven Wright quotes that will bust your sides open
1. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.” – Steven Wright
2. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
3. “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.” – Steven Wright
4. “The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”” – Steven Wright
5. “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.” – Steven Wright
6. “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.” – Steven Wright
7. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” – Steven Wright
8. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
9. “Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”” – Steven Wright
10. “What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright
Hilarious Steven Wright quotes
11. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” – Steven Wright
12. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright
13. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright
14. “I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” – Steven Wright
15. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.” – Steven Wright
16. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” – Steven Wright
17. “I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”” – Steven Wright
18. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
19. “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?” – Steven Wright
20. “I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”” – Steven Wright
Also read these hilarious Jerry Seinfeld quotes.
Steven Wright quotes that will make your day
21. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” – Steven Wright
22. “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
23. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”” – Steven Wright
24. “If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?” – Steven Wright
25. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” – Steven Wright
26. “In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.” – Steven Wright
27. “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.” – Steven Wright
28. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” – Steven Wright
29. “Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.” – Steven Wright
30. “Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.” – Steven Wright
Funny Steven Wright quotes
31. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” – Steven Wright
32. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.” – Steven Wright
33. “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” – Steven Wright
34. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.” – Steven Wright
35. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” – Steven Wright
36. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.” – Steven Wright
37. “One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.” – Steven Wright
38. “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”” – Steven Wright
39. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” – Steven Wright
40. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
Don’t forget to also read these hilarious John Mulaney quotes that will make your day better.
Steven Wright quotes to make you laugh
41. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” – Steven Wright
42. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Steven Wright
43. “If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?” – Steven Wright
44. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.” – Steven Wright
45. “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”” – Steven Wright
46. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” – Steven Wright
47. “Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” – Steven Wright
48. “Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.” – Steven Wright
49. “Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”” – Steven Wright
50. “Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.” – Steven Wright
You might also like these classic Archie Bunker quotes from the famous “Middle-Class American”
More Steven Wright quotes and sayings
51. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright
52. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright
53. “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Steven Wright
54. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright
55. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.” – Steven Wright
56. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
57. “Always remember your unique, just like everone else.” – Steven Wright
58. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
59. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.” – Steven Wright
Not Done With the Funnies Yet?
Steven Wright is a legend in the comedy community, and it’s quite clear from these quotes that he has an in-born talent for writing incredible jokes that never lose their timeless appeal. If you’re looking for more Steven Wright quotes, there are hundreds of jokes out there on the internet for you to find on your search for some of the best comedy writing out there.
If you aren’t done busting your sides from funny quotes just yet, we have a ton more where that came from. How about some hilarious, side-splitting quotes from The Office? Or if you need more generalized funnies, there’s also funny quotes on friendship to keep you giggling.
Did you enjoy these hilarious Steven Wright quotes? Which of the quotes is your favorite? Let us know in the comment section below.