Stop Telling People Time Heals All Wounds


My mother died at 40 years old, back when I was 18. One thing I heard the most was that “time heals all wounds.” It didn’t sit well with me then, or when I heard it again when my brother-in-law, father, and grandfather also passed away.

When my baby niece left this earth at five days old, I heard it again. However, this time I fought the urge to tell my sister that “time heals all wounds.” Yet, it just seems like a blanket phrase that those of us wanting to help our loved ones often say.

While I don’t feel the same as I did the day each of those people died, I wouldn’t say that time has healed me. Should you stop telling people that time heals all wounds?

Here is the truth about time and grief; it comes in waves. It has been nearly 20 years since my mom died, and most days I am more than ok. Then randomly, in the middle of an afternoon walk, I will feel the urge to breakdown and cry for all the things she has missed.

In those moments, the pain is intense and hurts as much as it did the day she died. However, I also go months straight not thinking about her death at all. So, what is the deal about grief, heartache, and time?

“It has been said, time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” — Rose Kennedy

Time and wounds

Time heals all wounds is used to describe how feelings of sadness and grief lessen with intensity the more time passes. The saying implies that just the passage of hours, months, and years, will remove all these feelings. However, it is not just the arbitrary ticking of a clock that decides how long those feelings last. It depends on the person and how they spend their time after a loss.

According to the Center for Grief Recovery and Therapeutic Services, “Time is not a healer. The passage of time may take the edge off of acute pain, but it does not heal pain. On the other hand, time can be used well for healing purposes. When time is used well, in terms of healing wounds, then it is because we do something specific with and within it.”

That is why it feels like time itself has healing power because we spend the time after heartbreak engaging in activities that help us heal. There are several things you can do to help heal grief or encourage a friend to do if they are grieving.

“I’ve learned… That love, not time, heals all wounds.” — Andy Rooney

Why you shouldn’t say time heals everything to someone

Megan Wildhood reminds us that, “Our brains are wired to form a response to our environment; what changes our minds is experience.” When we tell someone that time will help them, it implies that they just have to wait long enough and they will feel better, without doing any processing or work on healing. They actually need to have experiences to help heal. This might be crying with a loved one, laughing with a friend, or learning techniques that help with grief.

Megan also points out that, “Time itself doesn’t heal all wounds. Time seals and conceals all wounds unless something different happens.” If we think of these emotional wounds in the sense of physical pain, you can see why this is a problematic philosophy.

Let’s say you cut a giant gash in your leg and did nothing to help it heal. No washing it out, no stitches, nothing except waiting for it to ‘heal.’ Well, chances are you would die of an infection. Or maybe have to have your entire leg cut off. Now, if you washed it and stitched it, it would likely heal (painfully) and with a gnarly scar. If you went the extra step further, and applied antibiotic ointment, took a pill for the pain, and applied scar cream, you might have an easier time and a less noticeable scar.

The time that passes is the same, but it’s the activities that differ. When it is all said and done, no matter what you do, you will probably have a scar there forever. Depending on the severity of the damage, it might still cause you intermittent pain. Incredibly painful things do not just go away because some time passes.

Implying that someone needs to just wait a set period and then they will feel better does them a disservice to their healing process. Grief isn’t something you can just wash and stitch, but there are things that people can do to help heal.

“People say that time heals all wounds, and maybe they’re right. But whit if the wounds don’t heal correctly, like when cuts leave behind nasty scars, or when broken bones mend together, but aren’t as smooth anymore? Does it mean they’re really healed? Or is it that the body did what it could to fix what broke.” — Jessica Sorensen

Things you can do to spend your time while grieving

Socializing is probably not high on your list of things to do after a devastating loss, but it helps. Now, I am not saying go to go to a party if you don’t feel up to it but lean into your circle of friends. Let people come over and cook a meal with you and eat together. Take the invite from a friend to take you to run some errands, even if it is going to the grocery store.

Grief is heavy to carry, and if you have people around you to help you shoulder the burden, then please let them in. Their support, love, and understanding will help you heal more than isolating yourself.

Maybe your friends and support system mean well, but you don’t feel like they understand. If you are looking for someone who has been through something similar to your experience, then consider joining a support group. While no one’s grief is the same, a support group will bring you together with people who have been where you are.

While some counseling usually happens in a support group, you might want to look at finding an individual counselor. The time spent in therapy can help you name your feeling, understand them, and process them healthily. A counselor can also help you use tools like meditation to reframe the way you think about your feelings.

They might even help you establish some rituals that honor your loved one, or help you handle tough days. They help us work through our grief while remembering our loved ones and can include things like:

  • Visiting your loved one’s grave
  • Carrying something that was important to them
  • Lighting a candle for them on special occasions

However, you work through your grief, just know that it is important to do so. A grief counselor will help you come up with ways that work for you. The healing will take time, but you won’t heal by time itself.

“The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body; after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind, and they are in continual danger of breaking the skin and bursting out again.” — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Other things you can say instead

It is so difficult when someone you love and care about is hurting, and you are trying to find the right thing to say to them and help them feel better. Instead of offering “time heals all wounds” you could give these sayings a try.

“I don’t know what to say, except I am sorry that you are hurting.” It is ok for us to not have all the answers sometimes. We can let people know we don’t always know how to help, but that we love them. We are here to listen if they want to talk. We are here if they just need a shoulder to cry on.

“Take it one day at a time, you won’t always feel the way you do right now.” Taking life one day at a time is excellent advice for nearly anything, but it works in painful situations too. Let them know that if one day seems too hard, they can take it hour by hour too.

“I’ll check in with you tomorrow.” Maybe your friend doesn’t need your help at this moment, and that’s ok! Reassure them you will be there and then follow through.

These sayings can convey to your friend that you feel for them and want to offer love and compassion to help them through a hard time. The support they receive, the ways they learn to cope, and the experiences they have over time will help them heal. Maybe they will help someone else heal someday too, in time.

“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.”  Gautama Buddha



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75 Humility Quotes to Inspire You to Live a Happier Life (2021)


Humility.

It’s one of those things I didn’t really understand the point of when I was younger.

But with age and time I learned how important it was for me to stay sharp, to keep moving forward in life, to be kinder and to not create problems for myself by thinking I was better and smarter than I actually was.

That’s what I’ve gained from that sobering humility. But today I’d like to share not only the impact it has had on my own life but also the best quotes I have found about humility.

The top timeless thoughts about staying humble and not getting lost in pride or arrogance but to stay grounded in humility and reality.

And if you want more motivation to keep your feet on the ground and yourself happy then also have a look at this post about empathy and also this post filled with quotes about inner peace.

Humility Quotes About Life, Happiness and Success

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
C. S. Lewis

“Stay hungry, stay young, stay foolish, stay curious, and above all, stay humble because just when you think you got all the answers, is the moment when some bitter twist of fate in the universe will remind you that you very much don’t.”
Tom Hiddleston

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.”
Jesse Jackson

“Thank you” is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.”
Alice Walker

“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
Ernest Hemingway

“Humility is really important because it keeps you fresh and new.”
Steven Tyler

“A great man is always willing to be little.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Just knowing you don’t have the answers is a recipe for humility, openness, acceptance, forgiveness, and an eagerness to learn – and those are all good things.”
Dick Van Dyke

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”
Bill Gates 

“Have more humility. Remember you don’t know the limits of your own abilities. Successful or not, if you keep pushing beyond yourself, you will enrich your own life–and maybe even please a few strangers.”
A.L. Kennedy

“Humility will open more doors than arrogance ever will.”
Zig Ziglar

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
Winston S. Churchill

“I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize. The first is gentleness; the second is frugality; the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others. Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men.”
Lao Tzu

“If pain doesn’t lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering.”
Katerina Stoykova Klemer

“I always say be humble but be firm. Humility and openness are the key to success without compromising your beliefs.”
George Hickenlooper

“Real genius is nothing else but the supernatural virtue of humility in the domain of thought.”
Simone Weil

“There are times when wisdom cannot be found in the chambers of parliament or the halls of academia but at the unpretentious setting of the kitchen table.”
E.A. Bucchianeri

“Selflessness is humility. Humility and freedom go hand in hand. Only a humble person can be free.”
Jeff Wilson

“Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.”
Anthony Bourdain

“To learn which questions are unanswerable, and not to answer them: this skill is most needful in times of stress and darkness.”
Ursula K. Le Guin

“The greatest friend of truth is Time, her greatest enemy is Prejudice, and her constant companion is Humility.”
Charles Caleb Colton

“Humility is the true key to success. Successful people lose their way at times. They often embrace and overindulge from the fruits of success. Humility halts this arrogance and self-indulging trap. Humble people share the credit and wealth, remaining focused and hungry to continue the journey of success.”
Rick Pitino

“Humility, I have learned, must never be confused with meekness. Humility is being open to the ideas of others.”
Simon Sinek

“Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.”
Theodore Roosevelt

“Humility is to make a right estimate of one’s self.”
Charles Spurgeon

“Mastery begins with humility.”
Robin Sharma

“There is a universal respect and even admiration for those who are humble and simple by nature, and who have absolute confidence in all human beings irrespective of their social status.”
Nelson Mandela

“I believe that the first test of a great man is his humility. I don’t mean by humility, doubt of his power. But really great men have a curious feeling that the greatness is not of them, but through them. And they see something divine in every other man and are endlessly, foolishly, incredibly merciful.”
John Ruskin

“A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well-being.”
James E. Faust

“Humility is attentive patience.”
Simone Weil

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be.”
Ralph W. Sockman

“The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet it is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: Small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.”
J.R.R. Tolkien

“Every person that you meet knows something you don’t; learn from them.”
H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“Live a life full of humility, gratitude, intellectual curiosity, and never stop learning.”
Gza

“Without humility there can be no humanity.”
John Buchan

“The humble listen to their brothers and sisters because they assume they have something to learn. They are open to correction, and they become wiser through it.”
Thomas Dubay

“There is beauty and humility in imperfection.”
Guillermo del Toro

“True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.”
Socrates

“Life is a long lesson in humility.”
J.M. Barrie

“There is strange comfort in knowing that no matter what happens today, the Sun will rise again tomorrow.”
Aaron Lauritsen

You may also want to have a look at this post with quotes about regret.

Funny Humility Quotes

“In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.”
Winston Churchill

“The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it.”
Mignon McLaughlin

“If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, “He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.”
Epictetus

“Flattery is all right so long as you don’t inhale.”
Adlai Stevenson

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers

“I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud.”
Carl Jung

“A true genius admits that he/she knows nothing.”
Albert Einstein

“There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.”
Laurence J. Peter

“Just remember, when someone has an accent, it means that he knows one more language than you do.”
Sidney Sheldon

“Whenever the world throws rose petals at you, which thrill and seduce the ego, beware. The cosmic banana peel is suddenly going to appear underfoot to make sure you don’t take it all too seriously, that you don’t fill up on junk food.”
Anne Lamott

“On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.”
Michel de Montaigne

Quotes About Kindness, Pride and Humility

“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real.”
Thomas Merton

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.”
Alexander Pope

“Humility is nothing but truth, and pride is nothing but lying.”
St. Vincent de Paul

“With pride, there are many curses. With humility, there come many blessings.”
Ezra Taft Benson

“Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration on something or someone else.”
Madeleine L’Engle

“As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on thing and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down you cannot see something that is above you.”
C.S. Lewis

“I realize today that nothing in the world is more distasteful to a man than to take the path that leads to himself.”
Hermann Hesse

“The first test of a truly great man is his humility. By humility I don’t mean doubt of his powers or hesitation in speaking his opinion, but merely an understanding of the relationship of what he can say and what he can do.”
John Ruskin

“Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.”
Saint Augustine

“A little humility goes a long way.”
Dean Ornish

“There are two things that men should never weary of, goodness and humility; we get none too much of them in this rough world among cold, proud people.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

“As you grow up, always tell the truth, do no harm to others, and don’t think you are the most important being on earth. Rich or poor, you then can look anyone in the eye and say, ‘I’m probably no better than you, but I’m certainly your equal.”
Harper Lee

“Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.”
Colin Powell

“Power is dangerous unless you have humility.”
Richard J. Daley

“It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.”
Augustine of Hippo

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
Ernest Hemingway

“It’s important that what thoughts you are feeding into your mind because your thoughts create your belief and experiences. You have positive thoughts and you have negative ones too. Nurture your mind with positive thoughts: kindness, empathy, compassion, peace, love, joy, humility, generosity, etc. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can attract great things into your life.”
Roy T. Bennett

“Those who travel to mountain-tops are half in love with themselves, and half in love with oblivion.”
Robert Macfarlane

“It is together that we will be able to save our biodiversity. This is a principle of effectiveness. But it is also a principle of humility; none of us can act alone.”
Albert II, Prince of Monaco

“While differing widely in the various little bits we know, in our infinite ignorance we are all equal.”
Karl R. Popper

“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.”
Herman Hesse

“Humility, that low, sweet root, from which all heavenly virtues shoot.”
Thomas Moore

Want even more? Check out this post with compassion quotes and also this one with quotes on giving.

 



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Never Feel Guilty About Severing Ties With a Toxic Person (2021)


About a year ago, I severed ties with a toxic member of my family. With the help of my therapist, we decided it was in the best interest of my mental health that I do not continue to rehash all the trauma of my past, as this person likes to do.

It has made dealing with my trauma, much easier, and enabled me to focus on healing. However, recently I was speaking with my sister, and the guilt set in. It is hard to not feel guilty when you have emotional ties to someone else who sees you as the villain in their story.

My sister reminded me that this person has also suffered trauma in her life, and it is the reason she is the way she is. My family member raised us and did the best she could. I believe that, and I know also that I am the strong person I am today, because of her and her actions, both the good and the bad. A lot of those good and bad things overlap.

For instance, she pushed me to be the best I could be, but also made me feel like nothing I did was good enough. She taught me to be strong and not let the circumstances of my early childhood hold me back. However, that meant bottling it all up and trudging through, focusing on control, not healing.

All of this, coupled with my family member’s advanced age and failing health, weighs on me. Am I doing the right thing? Should I change my mind and speak to her because I feel guilty when I remember the wonderful memories? I believe the answer is no, and I try to remind myself of all the reasons not to feel guilty for removing yourself from a toxic situation.

“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt, but eventually, you will heal.” ― Autumn Kohler

What makes a relationship toxic?

Dr. Lillian Glass, a communication and psychology expert, is the author of the book Toxic People. She defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” Now, every relationship has its challenges. However, deep-rooted issues like disrespect for boundaries and manipulation should not be ignored.

These types of relationships cause both parties emotional pain and mental anguish. There are also effects on our physical health in these relationships. When that happens, it is a vicious cycle that ends up hurting everyone. The realization of that fact is one reason I remind myself not to feel guilty.

It took me years to realize that I am not capable of giving her the answers, absolution, or love she wants from me; any more than she can give the same to me. She is the victim when she tells the story of our past, and I am tired of defending myself. Every time she and I argue, her blood pressure rises to unhealthy levels. She is clearly as hurt as I am. So severing ties is as good for her as it is for me, even if she can not admit it. It also does not mean that I do not love her, because I do, and always will.

“We can deeply love our poison. We can love the taste of it, the scent of it, the comforting weight of it in our belly and find ourselves woken in the night with stabbing cramps, arms around porcelain toilet bowls, hurling every last bit until collapsing on bathroom tile, limp from dehydration. Sometimes parting with love is essential for survival. I’ve found the most tragic aspect of losing loved ones wasn’t the big boom of the fallout, but realizing later how much healthier I was without them.” ― Maggie Young

Why you shouldn’t feel guilty

The guilt that I feel is exacerbated by several emotions, like loyalty, fear, and love. Society teaches us we should be loyal to our family, above all else. It is a tool that toxic people use to control other members of their family whenever they seek to spread their wings and reach for independence. We should build loyalty from the respect of our boundaries and care for one another, not just created by blood or accidents of birth.

Fear plays a big role in my guilt as well. I fear how I will feel when I can’t speak to her anymore because she is no longer around. I can assume how I will feel, but I do not have a crystal ball. Earlier, in our relationship, she used to scare me with failure so I would do things the way she wanted me to do.

She would say things like, “When you fail, don’t come back to me.” Or, “You can do this your way, but it won’t work and no one else is going to help you.” I learned at a young age to rely on myself and face my fears. (It is one of those things that I learned from her, and that I am thankful for.) However, the people who love and support you should not use your fears to hold you back. Remember that when the guilt gets heavy and you feel afraid of your decisions.

Perhaps the strongest emotion that brings about the guilt people feel for removing toxic people from their lives is love. I think about the happy memories we have, like playing Canasta and laughing, or how much I loved her for staying when both my parents left me. Part of me truly wishes that she could be around and visit, and take part in our lives.

But sadly, love is not always enough. Self-love is essential to living a healthy life. There are people in your world who need you to be a happy and healthy version of yourself because they love you and you love them. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to make sure that you can give them the best version of yourself.

Having these emotions contributes to the guilt people feel when they choose to let people into or stay in their lives. Only you know what your breaking point is, and what you can live with. There are a few steps you can take before cutting someone off completely that might help you feel less guilty.

“There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances, it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

What you can do if you aren’t ready to distance yourself

If you are unsure if cutting off the toxic person in your life is the next step, ask yourself if you have tried these things:

  • Take a break where you can assess your feelings
  • Speak up and make sure the other person is aware of your boundaries
  • Stop seeking validation from them and learn to validate yourself
  • Acknowledge your own shortcomings in the relationship
  • Ask yourself what you gain by cutting off this relationship instead of focusing on what you are losing
  • Get help from a moderator or therapist if you need it

You will be less likely to feel guilty if you have taken these steps and know that you did whatever you could to salvage the relationship. You should never feel guilty for safeguarding your health and making yourself a priority. It is your life and living it in a way that serves your purpose is up to you. Guilt can be difficult to wade through, but living in the moment and being at peace with why you have done the things you have done can make it all a little more bearable.

“If it comes, let it come. If it goes, it’s ok, let it go. Let things come and go. Stay calm, don’t let anything disturb your peace, and carry on.” ― Germany Kent

There are so many feelings when you decide to cut off a toxic person. There is not an actual answer or one that works for everyone. Ask yourself which is harder to deal with and make the decision that works for you. It is your right to live your life with as much peace as you can find. It isn’t easy to find peace in this world, and anything that helps you get there is the right thing to do. Whatever you decide will probably hurt, but your feelings are your own, and if you feel healthier and more stable, then that is all that matters.



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3 Ways Your Past Trauma Affects Your Children


Parenting is hard, and most of us go into the job wanting to be the best parent we can be to our kids. Parenting when you have experienced childhood trauma is a special challenge that requires managing your expectations, being aware of your limitations, and paying attention to your empathy.

I’m still learning how to parent through my trauma, and lately, I have noticed how my trauma affects my children. If you are struggling to parent through your own trauma, you are not alone.

There are three things I have noticed about the ways my trauma-based parenting affects my children. First, my need to be “good enough” creates a set of unrealistic expectations, which can harm my children’s ability to develop self-confidence.

Second, when I feel like I should be a better parent and I am failing, I get irritable and cranky and my children feel I am upset with them.

Lastly, I haven’t always handled the problems my children face with the empathy I should have, leaving them without the comfort I should have given them.

Your child is watching you while they build their sense of self

My daughter and I had what I would consider a wonderful relationship. We were close, I always came to her dance routines, and made sure she took part in whatever activities interested her. I cooked dinners most nights, kept a relatively clean house, gave her a balance of chores and freedoms.

She did well in school, is absolutely gorgeous, both outside and inside. It never occurred to me that she would struggle with self-esteem issues. Then she hit her teenage years and started saying things like she wasn’t smart enough or pretty enough. It dumbfounded me.

We ended up in therapy, and I told the therapist that I didn’t know why she felt this way. My grandmother used to take my homework and throw it away if I erased too much and made me redo it. I never did that to her. She asked me how I treated myself. It is not surprising to anyone who knows me I am a perfectionist.

I told the therapist how I threw a gingerbread house in the trash one year, because it didn’t look like the picture and we never did another one. When I do home improvement projects, I am also careful to make everything as perfect as possible. She said, “She has watched you be critical of yourself her whole life, and picked up the same behavior.”

It never occurred to me that even though I was consciously attempting to not be critical of her, that being critical of myself was just as bad.

According to Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., “when parents feel negatively toward themselves, it is equally easy for them to extend these feelings to their children. The negative thoughts parents harbor toward themselves can lead to parental rejection, neglect, or hostility. Not only are parents more likely to be critical of their offspring in ways that are similar to the ways they are disapproving of themselves, but their negative self-esteem also serves as an example for their children.”

This moment was quite the gut punch because I thought I had been parenting purposefully so that she would feel none of these things. I had to learn how to love myself for being who I was, and not as a perfect mother. There is no such thing, just as there are no perfect children. My poor child had spent years watching me struggle with unrealistic expectations and had adopted these for herself.

“Most of us have unhealthy thoughts and emotions that have either developed as a result of trauma or hardships in their childhood, or the way they were raised.” — Steven Seagal

Your children get the brunt of your unresolved feelings

We had been fighting like crazy during the months before we ended up in therapy. I was constantly annoyed and lashing out every time she said something that hurt my feelings. I ended up sobbing one day because she wanted to ride to a dance function with her friends, instead of with me, when she knew I had taken the day off to drive them all there. On one hand, I knew it was perfectly normal for her to want to spend time with her friends, but it hurt.

It brought up all my feelings of abandonment and poked at the carefully patched holes of my self-worth. I was trying to be rational, but my anger would bubble to the surface and manifest itself in hostility. This only made the both of us feel worse. I knew we couldn’t go on like this. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. Admitting that enabled me to look at how those symptoms were affecting my parenting.

I was detaching myself from my oldest child because she kept talking about moving away. Subconsciously, I knew how much this would hurt, and my body was trying to spare itself the pain.

Avoiding reminders is another PTSD coping system I tried to use, and every time we would fight, I recalled the fights I had with my grandmother. I couldn’t just avoid being a parent, and it was making me angry. I was having trouble sleeping, which was contributing to my grim mood. This mood was creating adverse feelings in our home, and I was yelling a lot.

According to recent research by the National Institutes of Health, yelling makes children more aggressive, both physically and verbally. Yelling, regardless of the reason, expresses anger and can make your children feel insecure. It is hard to not yell when you are dealing with your own trauma and PTSD, but there are things you can do to yell less:

  • Step away, giving yourself a “time-out”
  • Talk about your feelings, while encouraging your children to do the same
  • Remain calm when you are frustrated

“After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.” ― Judith Lewis Herman

Your children are seeking comfort and learning empathy from you

For us, the yelling seemed to escalate from conversations where she came to me with some of her problems. These were normal teenage problems, like a fight with a friend. At first, I would try to be empathetic and give her guidance. She would inevitably start crying and saying how I didn’t understand.

While this is something I think every teenager says, but the truth was she was right. All the normal high school drama was the least of my problems when I was in high school. My mother had been placed in witness protection, my grandparents formally adopted me, and I was dealing with being abandoned by my father as a child.

The drama in highschool never made me cry as much as those things did. Watching my daughter become completely devastated by these things made me sad for her, but it also made me angry, because I couldn’t understand it.

Our realities and our perception were too far apart for us to understand one another. She felt like I didn’t care about her problems when in actuality I cared so much that she was hurting, that I got frustrated because I couldn’t help her. Which led to me yelling, instead of being empathetic.

As a parent, part of our job is to teach our children to be good people who can show empathy. I was struggling and became clear when I noticed she was becoming less empathetic with her own peers. Empathy is how we help ourselves and others, and it is a necessary part of human strength.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” — Unknown

I had always thought that I had my trauma under control and that all my decisions when it came to parenting would ensure my children grew up as unaffected by trauma as humanly possible. However, life does not work that way, and trauma is something that does not get controlled.

It is something that you have to work through in order to find acceptance. It is an insidious thing that creeps into your life in unexpected ways. I am thankful that therapy helped me recognize the areas in my life where trauma was wreaking havoc so that I could grow into a better parent.

This kind of introspection is difficult, as growth usually is, but it is also critical for healing. We can heal from trauma, and it can benefit those around us, especially our children. If you are trying to parent through trauma, please know you are not alone.

It is ok to seek help or therapy; it does not mean the trauma has won or that you are a failure. It means that you love your kids and that you would suffer through the pain of trauma twice, just to ensure that they have the best start in life they can. Parenting is difficult, and we can only do the best that we can do. Lead from a place of love, and you and your children will come out the other side.



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5 Date Ideas to Help Keep Your Relationship Exciting


If you are married or in a committed relationship, experts will agree that you should continue to date your significant other. COVID-19 has made that a challenge, but there are still great ways you can enjoy some quality time with your partner.

You might wonder why you should date your spouse. Dating keeps your relationship exciting and according to Marriagehub.com, it can help build communication, help you de-stress, and remind you that your partner is someone you like to have fun with.

Each of these five date ideas will incorporate all those important relationship stepping stones, and maybe even bring about a little romance!

Date #1 ‘Revolving Dinner and Conversation’

This date sounds like a ton of fun, and I heard about it from a friend the other day after she and her husband tried it. By tweaking her idea, just a little, you can add in some incredible opportunities to have some meaningful conversations.

If you have been with your partner for a long time, you may have noticed that you talk a lot, but it’s always about the same things. Which kids’ activities are happening, did all the bills get paid, how is work, are just a sample of the mundane conversation we have in our day-to-day lives. This is not only a fun date, but it will get you talking about something else.

Basically, you break dinner down into four courses: drinks, appetizers, entrée, and dessert. Then you take four slips of paper and write your name on two of them, and your partner’s name on the other two. Each person then comes up with two conversation topics and writes one on each of their slips of paper.

These conversation starters are a chance to be vulnerable and real with one another, in a way you might have been neglecting. Here are a few of my favorites (Indwell has 50 conversation staters) to get you thinking, but remember all those normally talked about topics are off-limits:

  • What’s a question you’ve always wanted to ask me, but never have?
  • If safety wasn’t a concern, which natural phenomenon/ disaster would you want to experience?
  • What is your favorite thing that I do in bed?
  • What would make up a perfect day for you?
  • Is intelligence or wisdom more useful?

Once you have that done, grab a hat (or anything to put the paper in), and draw the first slip out of the hat. The person whose name was drawn gets to pick a place to have drinks, and their conversation starter is discussed.

When you finish up drinks, get back in the car and draw another slip. You guessed it! That person gets to choose where you will have appetizers, and their topic is open for discussion. Keep going until you get through with dessert!

“You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you.” — Bob Marley

Date #2 ‘Sip and Paint’

I always thought this was an activity that was better suited to a group of friends, but my husband and I did this the other night. We had a blast! We got to tap into our creative side, relax with a drink, and spend some time with just the two of us! It was the perfect way to de-stress, even though it can be a little messy!

We also got to listen to some outstanding 90s jams the owner had playing, and we talked while we painted. He was a little worried because he “Isn’t artsy,” but the lady was there for any help we needed with technique. Your painting does not have to be perfect, so don’t worry about that and just have fun!

This date also gave us a chance to build up one another while we complemented each other’s work. The paintings were a big hit when we got home and are now hanging in our preteen son’s room.

“Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.” — Hugh Mackay

Date #3 ‘Scrapbooking’

This is a great socially distanced date idea, in case you are not ready to venture outside into the world just yet! All you need is a scrapbook and some supplies and pictures of you guys together. This will get you both together and reminiscing about some of the best moments in your relationship, while you decide what pictures to put inside.

Once you have decided on the pictures you want to use, then you can plan out how to make your scrapbook. It’s your guys’ book, so decorate it in a way that fits who you are. Then challenge yourself to write one thing each of you felt when those pictures were taken.

This date is a lot of fun to make together. The walk down memory lane will bring up lots of happy feelings, and you will have something tangible you two can share years later!

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Date #4 ‘Casino Night’

‘Casino Night’ is the perfect date for when you have the house to yourselves! You can make this as spicy as you want, by raising the stakes. Set up a poker table (depending on what you plan on ‘wagering’ you might want to play this game last… or not!) and see if the cards are in your favor.

You could play roulette and assign each number with chores and if you pick that number and win then you don’t have to do it for the next two weeks. You could also assign certain activities to the numbers, and if you choose that number and win, you get to do that activity right then. If you go that route, playing poker first might be more prudent!

This date night is perfect if you were looking for a little ‘luck.’ If you aren’t feeling that adventurous, but are looking to have a little fun, then you can’t go wrong with this one. The sky is the limit and you and your partner can set risk whatever you feel comfortable with.

“Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” — John Updike

Date #5 ‘Volunteering’

This date is a wonderful opportunity to get out and give back to the causes that matter to you both. When you volunteer as a couple, you get to build a meaningful memory, centered around a shared set of values. This will not only benefit those you are helping but strengthen the bond you have together as well.

The University of California psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky recommends that couples actively work at building companionship through making time to talk and be together. Depending on what type of volunteering you do, this might be a perfect opportunity for just that! One year, back when Disney was doing the ‘Give a day, get a day’ campaign, my husband, and I picked up trash off the highway.

We were happy that day, out in the sun, working on something that meant a lot to us both.

We got to take a walk, help the planet, and talk with one another all at the same time. We also got to go to Disney later, and that was lots of fun!

Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.” ― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Ready to spend more quality time together?

Whether you are looking to spend more quality time together, have fun, communicate better, or spice up things in the bedroom, these date ideas will have you on the right track. The relationships we have with our partners in life is one that shouldn’t get ignored, regardless of how long you have been with someone. Life is hard though and we settle into just trying to survive every day.

Remember, you aren’t alone and there is someone that would love to spend some time with you. Dating was important when you were trying to build a relationship, and it is critical now that you are trying to maintain one.

What are some of the best dates you have been on? What made them special? Have you been keeping up with dating your spouse even though we are living through the plague? Share any socially distant date ideas or tips in the comment section below! We could all use some fresh ideas and help one another out!



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50 Conan the Barbarian Quotes


These Conan the Barbarian quotes will motivate you to be brave and strong.

Conan the Barbarian is a fictional warrior who is the hero in a trilogy of movies and series of books. In the first two films, Conan the Barbarian is portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and in the most recent movie, he is played by Jason Momoa. These motivational Conan the Barbarian quotes will energize your spirit and inspire you to watch all the movies.

Along with starring in a trilogy of films, Conan the Barbarian is also featured in a number of novels, video games, comics, and more. This beloved hero has been inspiring people around the world since 1932.

Read these Conan the Barbarian quotes to learn how to crush your enemies and live up to your full potential. Anyone can be a hero if they believe in themselves and strive to always do the right thing.

Conan the Barbarian quotes to motivate you to be brave and strong

1. “To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.” – Conan

2. “That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the tree of woe. Crucify him!” – Thulsa Doom

3. “For us, there is no spring. Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm.” – Conan

4. “All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. But I always passed by.” – Valeria

5. “I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.” – Conan

6. “Give me food, so I have strength when the wolves come. Let me die, not in hunger, but in combat!” – Subotai

7. “Two snakes coming together. Facing each other… but they’re one.” – Conan

8. “Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night.” – Thulsa Doom

9. “Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!” – Conan

10. “There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle when the gold loses its luster when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.” – King Osric

Powerful Conan the Barbarian quotes

11. “When a Cimmerian feels thirst, it is a thirst for blood. When he feels cold, it is the cold edge of steel. For the courage of a Cimmerian is tempered: he neither fears death… nor rushes foolishly to meet it. To be a Cimmerian warrior, you must have both cunning and balance as well as speed and strength.” – Corin

12. “I’m a wizard, mind you. This place is kept by powerful gods and spirits of kings. Harm my flesh and you will have to deal with the dead!” – The Wizard

13. “Run from me… and I will tear apart the mountains to find you! I will follow you to Hell!” – Conan

14. “To the hellfires with Thulsa Doom. He’s evil; a sorcerer who can summon demons. His followers’ only purpose is to die in his service. Thousands of them.” – Valeria

15. “What is most important when making a sword, fire, or ice?” – Corin

16. “Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And onto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!” – The Wizard

17. “You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! You took my father’s sword…” – Conan

18. “My child, you have come to me, my son. For who now is your father if it is not me? I am the wellspring, from which you flow. When I am gone, you will have never been. What would your world be, without me? My son.” – Thulsa Doom

19. “Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men.” – Conan’s Father

20. “It has been surmised, that perhaps, my lord had become like a wild animal that had been kept too long. Perhaps, but whatever… freedom… so long an unremembered dream, was his.” – The Wizard

Conan the Barbarian quotes to fill you with strength

21. “He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, “What is the riddle of steel?” If I don’t know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That’s Crom, strong on his mountain!” – Conan

22. “The mounds have been here since the time of the Titans. Kings buried in them… great kings… domains once glittered like the light on a windy sea. Fire won’t burn there… no fire at all. That’s why I live down here in the wind.” – The Wizard

23. “I wish to speak to you now. Where is the Eye of the Serpent? Rexor says that you gave to a girl, probably for a mere night’s pleasure, hmm? What a loss. People have no grasp of what they do. You broke into my house, stole my property, murdered my servants, and my PETS! And that is what grieves me the most! You killed my snake. Thorgrim is beside himself with grief! He raised that snake from the time it was born.” – Thulsa Doom

24. “Wealth can be wonderful, but you know, success can test one’s mettle as surely as the strongest adversary.” – The Wizard

25. “No man shall live in chains.” – Conan

26. “All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I’d come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side.” – Valeria

27. “He is Conan, Cimmerian, he won’t cry, so I cry for him.” – Subotai

28. “He did not care anymore… life and death… the same. Only that the crowd would be there to greet him with howls of lust and fury. He began to realize his sense of worth… he mattered.” – The Wizard

29. “Let’s take what we have while we live. I have never had so much as now. All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That’s so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night. Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” – Valeria

30. “How many names do I need?” – Conan

Conan the Barbarian quotes that will make your day

31. “What daring! What outrageousness! What insolence! What arrogance!… I salute you.” – King Osric

32. “For no one – no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. This you can trust.” – Conan’s Father

33. “In time, his victories could not easily be counted… he was taken to the east, a great prize, where the war masters would teach him the deepest secrets. Language and writing were also made available, the poetry of Khitai, the philosophy of Sung; and he also came to know the pleasures of women, when he was bred to the finest stock. But, always, there remained the discipline of steel.” – The Wizard

34. “What is best in life?” – Mongol General

35. “Kiss me. Let me breathe my last breath into your mouth.” – Valeria

36. “Behold… and despair… your new master!” – Khalar Zym

37. “Once great men lived here… giants… gods… once, but long ago. It is here that I met my master. It was no accident, nor it is mere chance that I am the teller of his tale.” – The Wizard

38. “The first to circle the hills and return, the egg unbroken, earns the right to fight with the warriors.” – Corin

39. “There’s warmth and fire. Do you not wish to warm yourself by my fire? They said you would come. From the north, a man of great strength. A conqueror. A man who would someday be king by his own hand. One who would crush the snakes of the earth…” – The Witch

40. “The lions ate him!” – King Osric

More Conan the Barbarian quotes

41. “Afraid to bare yourself? Why? You’re so big and so well grown. You should be proud of your body. How do you expect to reach emptiness without knowing your own body?” – Priest

42. “I see you. I have watched you. For a thousand years, I have watched you. Who among you still fears death? Who will not face emptiness?” – Thulsa Doom

43. “So this is paradise.” – Subotai

44. “Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god…” – Conan’s Father

45. “Thulsa Doom. I’ve chafed for years at this demigod. Snakes in my beautiful city. To the west, Nemedia, Aquilonia. To the south, Koth, Stygia. Snakes. Everywhere, these evil towers. You alone have stood up to their guards. And what are you? Thieves.” – King Osric

46. “The sword we make will be yours one day. But before you wield it, you must first understand it.” – Corin

47. “The ashes were trampled into the Earth, and the blood became as snow. Who knows what they came for… weapons of steel, or murder? It was never known, for their leader rode to the south, while the children went north with the Vanir. No one would ever know that my lord’s people had lived at all. His was a tale of sorrow.” – The Wizard

48. “Fire… and ice. That is the mystery of steel.” – Corin

49. “Steel isn’t strong, boy, flesh is stronger!” – Thulsa Doom

50. “Do you want to live forever?” – Valeria

What are your favorite Conan the Barbarian quotes about what is best in life?

Conan is a Cimmerian, which means he lives in the fictional time period of The Hyborian Age, created by writer Robert E. Howard in the Conan the Barbarian books. When this character was adapted for films, his already huge fanbase got even larger. Are you a Conan the Barbarian fan?

Whether you know the hero as Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer, or Conan the Cimmerian, there are many lessons that can be learned from this protagonist. There are tons of inspirational quotes and motivational lines in all of the Conan the Barbarian movies. If you’re interested in heroic feats of bravery, you will love these courageous Conan the Barbarian lines.

What are your favorite Conan the Barbarian quotes and sayings about how to crush your enemies? Let us know in the comment section below.



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